User talk:NafisaRenateNaumann

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Peer Edit021:11, 22 March 2017

Overall, you have really great information in here and have clearly put lots of thought into it, good job! Our main critique is that the structure is a bit unclear. From looking at the wiki format pages, it looks like we’re supposed to have an intro, body and then references. Your writing about your topic doesn’t actually start until about half way through the writing. Maybe consider moving things around to make it a bit clearer – your conclusion would actually be a good start for an intro. The first sentence should be a good indicator of what the page is about, but at the moment it’s about general music. From the Wiki guide page:

- “Good articles start with a brief lead section introducing the topic.”

- “Normally, the opening paragraph summarizes the most important points of the article.”

- “If possible, the page title should be the subject of the first sentence”

Awesome job with in-text links and the diagram.

Here are some catches on grammar:

First Paragraph

- In first sentence, the part in brackets is a bit of a run-on sentence.

- Second sentence – is the “they” referring to vibrations? I would advise to say that instead.

- Third sentence begins with “this”, which we aren’t supposed to do for this style of writing. Perhaps refer to the previous sentence.

- Sentence that begins with “basic parameters…” is broken up (frequency and amplitude are both the parameters so should be in the sentence), and in a grammar nitpicky way, “amount” should be “number” in this case, as it is something you can count: The basic parameters of a single sound wave are frequency (realized as pitch: high frequency=high pitch, and low frequency=low pitch), which is the number of repeated waves per second, and amplitude, which indicates the amount of energy that is transferred by the sound wave and the realized volume.

Second Paragraph

- First sentence of second paragraph – “and” instead of “or”?

- “this is passed by…” sentence – the “this” is a bit unclear again. Then, is the Human air blow etc part going to be separated from the paragraph? Could be in a diagram even, that would be really clear.

Third Paragraph

- first sentence, “this” again

- Second sentence – no need for a comma after cord

- Third sentence, “this”

- Last sentence, “that”

Fourth Paragraph

- second sentence, semicolon should be a colon. Maybe “the vocal tract, the nasal tract, and the resonating cavities”?

- “according to x-ray…” sentence needs a comma after vocal tract, and then make clear what the shape of changes - “the shape of the vocal tract”?

- Last sentence: “has” instead of “had”

Sixth paragraph - Reference to extensive study? (I know we haven’t referenced things in ours properly)

- Comma after for example

- Reed and “instrument”

- “or a low frequency change similar to the and “vibrato” – some extra words there

JaneGriffiths (talk)21:11, 22 March 2017