Course:History 344 Nasty Families/Courtship and Betrothal

In the 17th century marriage was a very important matter in society, rank, and overall wealth. Marriage considerations occurred through a process of slow negotiations, and formal betrothals were arranged until at least the mid-seventeenth century. Members of the gentry or noble classes did not enjoy the lower classes’ freedom of selecting marriage partners. Sir Ralph Verney wrote to his sister regarding her marriage, "...this is the weightiest business that ever yet befell you, for in this one action consists all your future happiness in this world; therefore, do nothing rashly." In fact, there was no formal ceremonial process to guide the path of courtship. However, young men and women of this class were expected to follow their parents’ wishes, which usually meant a series of contracts. Even though there was no formal steps, courtship usually consisted of familiarization, clarification of intentions, and considerations of prospects.

Since marriage was often associated with the disposal of property, negotiations were usually initiated by those in possession of such property. As a result, wealthy parents planned the marriages of their children as early as their birth. Sir Ralph Verney describes the marriage of Lady Grace Grenville and Sir George Cartwright as “consummated on Tuesday by the Bishop of Durham; she is six years old and he a little above eight years old, therefore questionless they will carry themselves very gravely and love dearly.” Sir Ralph Verney himself was married while still a teenager to a thirteen-year-old girl. He spent the early years of their marriage at school while his wife lived with his family. The younger Verney children thought of her as simply another sister. Even the eldest son of a great family was not permitted to marry according to his own wishes. Lord Cork writes to his heir: “I am informed that you are so miserably blinded as to incline to marry, and so with one wretched act to undo both the gentlewoman and yourself and …. to dash all my designs which concern myself and house.” When falling in love, which often occurred at Court, young people who were sent by their noble families “congregated with little to do.” According to diarist Samuel Pepys, it was a common occurrence because “of idleness and having nothing else to employ their great spirits upon.” Marriage arrangements involved not just the marrying couple, but also their parents, relatives, friends, and neighbors. Often months or even years would pass before a couple was free to wed because of the process of complicated negotiations. Daughters with fortunes were easily marriageable, but no father would allow his son or even his ward to marry a woman who did not “possess a portion proportionate to his estate.” Despite the lack of freedom of the marrying couple, young men and women were not forced into marriage. If they did not like their prospective spouses they were allowed to speak against the union. For example, John Verney had his future bride “paraded up and down Drapers’ Garden” for an hour so he could see “if there was nothing disgustful about her.”

Occasionally the young man and woman would show affection towards one another before their wedding. Men and women in this situation would often play together, walk together, or exchange tokens. (**) William Blundell, for example, wrote to Mary Eyre with his father’s help: “Oh! my most honored dear lady, how shall I count those unkind hours that keep me from so great a joy? I told you once before […] that your goodness hath cause to pardon what your virtue and beauty hath done.” Proof of affection was occasionally needed in case either the man or the woman decided to break off the marriage contract. When Elizabeth Jackson and Thomas Thorpe did not secretly marry as they had planned in 1609, Thomas sued Elizabeth, whose parents disapproved of the union, for the broken marriage contract. Courtship was often a costly affair, however it was an important and beneficial contract for young couples in this century. Betrothals and signs of affection were sometimes regarded very seriously and could mean the binding of the marriage. For example, Dorothy Denne, the heiress of Denne-Hill in Kent, wrote letters to her suitor, William Taylor, in the 1640s. They did not marry and after William’s death, Dorothy’s letters came into the possession of Henry Oxinden, who threatened to expose them upon her marriage to Roger Lutkin. Dorothy begs Henry to keep her letters secret: “I beseech you for the Lord’s sake make me not a shame, a dishonour to my sisters and kindred.” During the late sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, the Church attempted to define marriage in church in order to separate it from the “prolonged courtship and marriage rituals of earlier times.” If a woman lost or was suspected to have lost her virginity before her marriage, she was disgraced. In Sir Ralph Verney's words, she made a "shipwreck of her honour and conscience, both which must be preserved before and above all other things... [she was then] fit for no other [man]."

Despite the great concern with preserving virginity before marriage, some common courtship practices involved at least some kind of premarital sexual contact. One of these was bundling, a practice that involved an unmarried man and woman sharing a bed for a night, fully clothed and usually with the permission of their parents. The purpose of bundling was to give "a couple a socially approved means of assessing their sexual and general compatibility before entering into marriage." The practice was mainly found among the lower classes, especially because it reduced the need for a warm fire and the practitioners therefore saved money. Although the experience was supposed to be a chaste one, some couples got carried away and premarital pregnancies could result.