Queer Parenting

Introduction

Queer women are constantly being pushed away from motherhood and criticized for deviating from an expected childless identity when wanting to become a mother. The issues and concerns that society holds about lesbian women raising children were heavily stigmatized in the past and are unfortunately still very present today. Society believes that in order to raise children, one must be cisgender and heterosexual and those who deviate from this norm will have their parenting skills questioned. Sexually transgressive mothers feel pressured to conform to normative values and behaviours to be categorized as “good mothers”. Because butch mothers are seen as out of the societal norm, more pressure is put upon them to raise children effectively and to prove to others that raising a child is a universal goal, not strictly heterosexual. With the degrading stigma that comes with being homosexual, along with the added degree of scrutiny that homosexual people face when they want to become parents, all this makes for an overwhelming situation.

Misunderstood Definitions

Within the LGBT community, there is confusing jargon that people are skeptical to understand. Many times these words are used in the wrong context, in the wrong way and with the wrong attitude. Below are some clarifications on commonly used vocabulary.

• Queer: "to be sexually attracted to members of the same sex"
• Cisgender: 'being a person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth"
• Sexually Transgressive: "Involving a violation of moral or social boundaries" within the domain of sexuality
• Butch and Femme: "terms used in the lesbian and gay subculture to ascribe or acknowledge a masculine (butch) or feminine (femme) identity with its associated traits, behaviours, styles, self-perception and so on"

Typical Family Structures

The most common form of family is seen to be that of the, "nuclear family". In this form, there is a mother and a father of heterosexual sexual orientation being the biological parents of an offspring. This definition is not only simple minded but it excludes many other types of families that are fundamentally just as equal of a family, such as homosexual couples, single parents, adoptive parents and polyamorous families. There is a stigma that any family that diverts from this socially acceptable family structure is more likely to undergo severe challenges and turn out substandard compared to those families that meet the nuclear family expectations. One's conceptualization of what a normal family looks like matters greatly, as that is how they will perceive those around them. Western societies though more accepting and advanced than most, there is still a lack of fluidity within the definition of family. Heterosexual parents who conceive a child are seen to be approaching life in a conventional way, leading to more success. Homosexual parents however, face daily struggles of being oppressed against both in their general lives and as a parent as well.

The Culture of Motherhood

Becoming a parent, whether it be through natural birth, artificial insemination, a surrogate, or adoption, all entail the transition into a new identity. Once taking the position of a major child care provider, there is an expectation of nurturance and warmth and a new identity within yourself involving another human being. With this new identity comes the introduction into a new culture as well; the culture of motherhood. This culture of motherhood is a space where individuals can discuss stories and struggles and receive empathy and support but yet there is an interesting paradox of having the risk of also receiving scrutiny and exclusion. Although there is not just one single way to be a good parent, there is a hidden stereotype of who exactly fits the role of a parent and strict demands as to what makes a parent fit in. Most of the time, lesbian women with children don't feel as though they belong within this community both because they don't fit the nuclear family identity, as well as they simply just don't feel welcome by other mothers. For lesbian parents, this culture of motherhood that is so often strived for by expecting mothers seems to be out of reach and unobtainable strictly because of their sexual orientation.

Basics of Legislation Affecting Queer Families

In most of the world, queer parents are so often not seen as a normative family. They are ostracized and discriminated against both in and outside of a law setting. In many countries, including Canada, there is a lack of inclusion towards queer families. With very few legal laws to protect and include them on an individual and family level, they are ultimately lead to even more discrimination than they already receive. Most of the people in the judicial system creating these laws have never experienced such discrimination and never will, and with this, non-normative family structures are very rarely included while deciding such laws. One of the only laws that applies to queer families is that offered by British Columbian’s, called the Family Law Act. This legislation includes surrogacy arrangements available to both opposite-sex and same-sex couples and allows for a child to have more than two legal parents in certain circumstances. Having only one single law to include queer parents is underwhelming and unfair and exposes the true failure of the existing Canadian legislations.

Femininity in Lesbian Families

To be pregnant and able to then breastfeed your baby is seen to be the ultimate goal of motherhood. Both breastfeeding and pregnancy are very typified as strictly heterosexual practices, with its domains being rooted in femininity. This poses a challenge to lesbian individuals as within society today as it is believed that mothers, especially those butch in nature, don't possess these feminine qualities needed for motherhood. Because their masculine identity doesn’t pair up with femininity like a heterosexual woman’s sexual identity would, they are pushed away from these motherhood goals. This leads to much greater pressure within lesbian mothers compared to heterosexual mothers as they feel as though they are expected to perform as good, if not, exceedingly better than heterosexual parents to prove themselves and their worth. Motherhood comes with an expected identity of femininity and an underlying expectation that one must possess the natural attributes of womanhood, thus leading butch mothers to a constant internal battle of deciding whether to conform to society and lose their sexual identity to fit the feminine mothering role or to stay true to themselves and have people reticule their rights to be a parent. With pregnancy, breastfeeding and motherhood still being viewed within the realm of femininity, it limits and excludes homosexual individuals from the experience of parenting.

Conclusion

The notion of queer parenting has yet to be normalized in Canadian society. Instead of seeing queer parents as different or unconventional, one must look past their sexual orientation and look at how the children are treated. Being a parent isn't dependent on sexual orientation, it is based on whether one can advocate for their child and their needs. A parent holds the responsibility to protect their child and to care for them, and if they can fulfill these duties then they deserve to have the label of a parent.